All or Nothin'

That's me.  I think you'd agree.  I'm either all in or I'm completely out.  There's not a lot of gray area or haphazard in my genetic makeup.  That can be a really great thing for my family and it can be a really terrible thing.  For me.  For my sanity.  In my current state, I'm "all in" and no holds bar.  In multiple facets. And my head hurts.  I'm waiting with bated breath for this season of feeling the need to be "all in" passes. Because I have high hopes that it will.  God is definitely guiding my "in-ness" which brings me peace. But it doesn't take away the amount of mental effort that life requires right now.  

Our family doesn't have a comfortable, set in motion path right now.  We're in a transition of transitioning, if that makes any sense. Between getting Dude's school struggles under wraps, leaving my job, attempting a new career and essentially a new way of living, processing the reality that set into our community on Friday and swimming through the holidays, this Mama is maxed and there's not a lot of wiggle room in any of those areas.

The "Dude" area is all consuming right now.  I am so in love with that little man and there's this surge in me that won't go away until we ensure that we're doing everything we can to make his complex little brain function at it's fullest capacity.  He's off his meds, which has proven very difficult in the classroom.  But it's a choice we felt like we needed to make in order to get at the root cause of his focusing struggles.  So he's not focused.  That's hard - mainly for him, but also for us and his teacher.  His skinny little frame was no longer reacting to the dose we had him on and his sensory struggles were being exasperated. We didn't feel at peace with the option of continuing to up his dose. So we didn't.  We took a stand for our Dude and now are in a sea of trying to help him make his way through the educational world minus meds.  

What does that look like?  Lots of deep, like deeper than the depths of the ocean, breaths. First, we've been researching alternative schools and are at a depressing and frustrating dead end.  There are two options that speak to us but one turns out to be $23K per year (yes, you read that right) and the other is free but offers us a 1% chance, at best, of getting in.  Great news.   The school issue is now on the back burner.  We have an amazing principal and a community of support and for now, that's going to have to be enough.  Tim and I met with an army of staff at his school on Friday to discuss getting him on an IEP, which would offer more support for him to focus on his work.  He can't do the independent work that is expected of him and we don't have time at night to finish mounds of worksheets. Something has to give.  My fear is that he won't qualify for the IEP under the premise of ADD.  He's "not that severe."  Not to mention that the evaluation takes a minimum of 60 days to complete.  What are we to do until then?  Continue to deal with a teacher that doesn't doesn't know how to effectively work with our kid?  She wants US to tell her how to talk to him because she doesn't think with his creative, imaginative brain.  She's structured and serious, which works for some kids.  Not for ours.

Second, we're working with a nutritionist to guide our naive state of food knowledge. She's amazing, by the way.  A gentle breeze in the midst of a mountain of overwhelming and mind boggling ingredients and labels and chemicals and GMO's and dyes.  We're foreigners in this land and she's a rational, calm, beacon in the midst of all of that.  After learning that we dove, head first, into a non-gluten diet for him over the past week, she encouraged slowly eliminating gluten from his diet but not going balls out.  That lowered the stress in my shoulders.  And our pocketbook.

Third, we're searching for a pediatrician who cares more about a natural state of health over pumping our kid full of drugs in the flippant way our current doc does.  We don't look to him for guidance, which is stupid. So we're interviewing two different practices that come highly recommended.  

Fourth, we're meeting with a bio-medical doctor who will do a thorough investigation of Dude's natural state of being with blood work and other samples.  Those test will show us where are his natural levels and what vitamins and minerals he needs to help balance his naturally unbalanced system.

Last, we're meeting with a neurology focused clinic next week to do some brain mapping as so much research shows that ADD, Sensory Processing Disorder, Autism, Dyslexia and a checklist of other disorders center around an imbalance of the two sides of the brain.  The impulses aren't working along-side each other.  They're fighting each other and sending mixed signals.  It makes so much sense to us.  We were referred to a clinic that works toward balancing the two sides of the brain and we're going to give them a chance.  This is the first real morsel of hope we've felt for his ADD and we're praying rather fervent prayers that this will make life more manageable.  Because something has to if he's going to remain the joyful little student he currently is in a system that doesn't cater to him.  This isn't about him getting straight A's.  We're more than content with his current "B- Average."  But we can't allow him to go on feeling like he's not cutting it on his own and that he requires constant prodding and frustrating discussions to be the student he's expected to be.

That's the Dude stuff.  Are we advocates?  More than I ever imagined I could be.  For anything.   But my kid is a subject you would say I'm rather passionate about.  I've learned through the past year that there's nothing I won't do for him.  And there's no limit to my endurance through the process.  Are we over-advocating?  Some might say yes, but we know our kid and we know his potential.  So we'll continue to navigate these waters until we find a path we're content with.  And we'll hope and pray that the path becomes clear in the not too distant future.

In the meantime, I finish work this week.  I haven't quite processed that yet.  My mind hasn't clicked the "writer switch" yet and I can't fathom flipping that switch at the current moment.  I'm not there yet.   There's too much "stuff" muddying the waters. Perhaps when I leave my laptop on my desk, walk away with a box of all my personal treasures and drive that wretched commute for the last time I'll feel it.  Or when I have my shiny upstairs office painted pale blue with my new "old" writing desk set up I'll feel it.  Or when all these Dude related appointments are in the past and we have some answers and direction I'll feel it.  Or when Christmas and traveling to Chi-town to surround ourselves with family and green and red wrapping paper is complete I'll feel it.  I don't question the fact that I WILL feel it.  I'm just not sure WHEN that happy writing place will begin.

That's our state of being.  It's a tough spot for me, not having a path.  I'm a pathy kind of girl.  God is working my patience as well as my faith.  He knows the areas I struggle with.  Sadly, Christmas seems to be passing me by this year.  I have yet to really "feel" the holiday spirit.  This is a first for me.  It's more like a fog of music, presents, parties and cookies.  It feels like a lot of noise.  I don't care about "stuff" this Christmas.  I just wanna hang with the people I love, share a meal and lounge by the fire.  If you stop by you'll probably find me holding a larger than life glass of Pinot.  Like I said, I'm either all in or not at all.        

I do realize this blog has been more therapeutic than light and kid photo friendly lately and most of you pop in for the blondies, so here's a quick sampling.